Edinburg Rocks

BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre Urinates

2008-08-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

The New York Jets organization will neither confirm, nor deny, whether or not newly acquired quarterback Brett Favre has, in fact, urinated at their training facility. Favre, who was traded from the Green Bay Packers to the Jets late Wednesday night, reported to the Jets training facility this morning at about 8:30 a.m. local time to attend meetings and participate in a fitness test.

Lower level members of the Jets organization have reported that Favre, the future Hall of Fame inductee, and all around great guy, relieved himself after a morning quarterbacks meeting. According to Jets custodian, Vinnie "Gabagool" Bugliose, he saw Favre go into the bathroom outside the offensive coordinator's conference room for, "About tree minutes." Bugliose added, "For as good a QB as he is, his aim ain't too good in the can." Bugliose said that Favre was seen earlier in the morning drinking coffee, which, according to him, probably led to the incident.

Jets General Manager Mike Tannenbaum was unavailable for comment, but a spokewoman for the club would neither confirm nor deny Bugliose's claim. She said that a press conference is being planned for later this afternoon to discuss Favre's dinner plans and that an official statement on this issue will be forthcoming.

Brett Favre could not be reached for comment.

Stay tuned as we track all the events in Brett Favre's return to the NFL.

Pilgrimage to Iron Maiden

2008-06-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

On May 21, 2008, I dragged my family to San Antonio for an event I have been waiting for for many a year. Iron Maiden, the greatest metal band in history, was in town kickng off the North American leg of their Somewhere Back in Time Tour.

The concert was held at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in Selma, just north of Loop 1604. When we arrived the tail gaiting was well under way. Beer flowed a plenty in the parking lot and when we got inside, I realized why. $8 for a 16 ounce beer. Are you kidding me? $4 for a 20 ounce Coke or a bottle of water. Excuse me? This wasn't stopping anyone and judging by the turnout and robust sales, I think the economy's in pretty good shape.

We took our seats in section 101, just left of the stage. Being about an hour early, we sat and chatted with the fans around us and waited.

The opening act was Lauren Harris, daughter of Iron Maiden bassist, Steve Harris. She and her band put on a decent show and entertained us until near dark.

As the stage grew dark, the Maiden instrumental "Transylvania" played in the background, riling the crowd to its feet. The song stopped abruptly and the house lights went out. The crowd began to scream and faintly under that scream could be heard the voice of Sir Winston Churchill giving his, "we shall never surrender." speech, which is the lead in to the song "Aces High."

From the first note of the song, the band ripped through their set with an intensity and enthusiasm that is rivaled by few bands, most of whose members more than twenty years younger then their Maiden counterparts.

Seeing as how it was the Somewhere Back in Time Tour, all of the songs were from the Somewhere in Time, Seventh Son of a Seventh Son albums or albums prior to that, with the exception of the song "Fear of the Dark."

I was lucky enough to be selected to accompany Iron Maiden on stage to sing along with the band and fifteen or so other fans during the "Heaven Can Wait" interlude. It was unreal and will be an experience I will take with me forever.

The show ended with my personal favorite "Hallowed be Thy Name", which I have been assured by friends and family will be played at my funeral at the appropriate volume for Iron Maiden music. Mom, I'll put it in my will if I have to.

My fancy for Iron Maiden came when I was a teenager back when The Number of the Beast album was released. Up until then I wasn't a metalhead or as we used to call them, "the freaks." I was drawn in by the music and precision in which it was produced and the stories the songs told. Since those days I have been a fan and I own every album and know the words to almost every song.

I remember my disappointment when guitarist Adrian Smith left the band and nearly cried when singer Bruce Dickinson up and quit amid a personality conflict. I thought for sure the band was done.

Iron Maiden regrouped and hired Blaze Bayley to replace Bruce. I saw them with Blaze in those hard times when they came to the Valley in 1998. The stage was smaller and the singer unknown, but the core of the band, Harris, guitarist Dave Murray, drummer Nicko McBrain, and Adrian's replacement, Janick Gers played as if they were at a rock festival in front of half a million fans.

A few years ago when it was rumored that Bruce and Adrian were coming back, I was elated and when it was announced, swore to myself that I had to see them at least once more. Work and obligations being what they are, it took me almost eight years to get there, but I did.

Iron Maiden has been there for me through some very tough times in my life. No matter what was going on, I could always turn to them as a momentary escape from reality. I honor those gentlemen for their showmanship, professionalism, and artistry, and wish them many years of continued success. And I will be there, just as I have been for 25 years, every step of the way.

Paris Hilton Should Have Been a District Court Judge

2007-06-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

The dog and pony show splattered all over every cable news outlet and info website regarding poor Paris Hilton has reached its zenith. I feel for the girl considering the fact that all her fame and money couldn't win her freedom. Although her alleged mental illness almost did. Who knew she was such a kook?

What she needed is a seat on the bench and the smooth touch of McAllen's own criminal defense specialist, Al Alvarez. Mr. Alvarez was yet again successful at getting evading arrest charges against 93rd District Court Judge Rudy Delagado dismissed. This time the culprit was prosecutors acting badly. Rene Guerra, the head culprit, said that the appeal is on and on and on...

When will this case ever end? We are growing weary of it. We get the point. We know that the fix is in and that money and power in Hidalgo County can get you what you want. We the people can have the last say in this case, however. Delgado will be up for election soon, but as far as anyone knows, there isn't an opponent in sight. Sadly, and in true Hidalgo County fashion, he will probably be re-elected.

Gentlemen, Start Your Chainsaws!

2007-04-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Doesn't the City of McAllen have better things to worry about than what private property owners do with their own stuff? Apparently not, because coming soon to a law book near you. . .the tree ordinance.

I can understand the pleas of the new ordinance's proponents. Yes, the older trees are beautiful and may be nostalgic for some people (unless it's a hackberry). My favorite arguments are the, "these trees have been here for a hundred years," and, "I grew up seeing that tree there." A hundered years is a drop in the ocean as time goes on this planet. Are we to be so bold as to claim that these trees need to be preserved forever. Hey hippie! You're going to die soon and so will that tree. Whether by natural causes or by the hand of man, the tree is a goner.

Is an ordinance really going to have the teeth to stop someone from clear cutting their land? Probably not. I think a big company could fork over the five hundred dollar fine many times over and chalk it up to the cost of doing business. Oh yeah, that gets passed on to the consumer.

Even though most businesses do it already, they might want to consider encouraging businesses and private home owners, whether or not they cut trees down, to plant more trees. That way in a hundred years or so when your great-grandchildren are hovercrafting down 10th Street, they can say, "look at those beautiful old trees," instead of, "when are they going to dig up that old dead piece of shit?"

News Happenings II

2007-03-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Channel 4 stepped in it this time. On tonight's broadcast at 10 they "took action 4 you," or for some UTPA student more precisely.

Basically, the student complained that his dorm was searched by the police, while he was away, of course. Knowing that, can't one say he has no way of knowing if it really was the police, or whether it really happened at all for that matter. But that doesn't stop a news outlet from picking up the loose ball and running with it. . .the wrong way.

Where's the weenie? The student says it was Hidlago County Sheriff's deputies who went into his room. Again, second hand information he got from a dorm supervisor. Sheriff Lupe Trevino says it wasn't his guys. Hell, there's a conflict right there. Someone's either lying or is misinformed.

The student said he called up there and spoke to an officer, conveniently unnamed, who told him some line about not needing a warrant because he lives on school property. That's B.S. You are entitled to all the rights against unlawful search and seizure in your dorm just as you are in an apartment, hotel room, or your house.

The reporter then three eighths assed the explanation about whether or not officers need a search warrant. Apparently the UTPA dorm handbook trumps the 4th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, because that's the document Channel 4 opted to cite to explain when a dorm can be searched. In the end, the viewer still did not learn when an officer needs a search warrant.

Next we hear that "the University" is aware of the student's case. What case? Is it a criminal investigation? Who at the U is involved in the case? Is it the administration or is it the campus police? Whose officers went in?

I'm sure that if the journalists wanted to get to the bottom of this, they'd file an open records request with the Sheriff's Department and the University. I'm not a professional journalist, but at least I know that would be the thing to do. Here's a novel idea. Interview the dorm supervisor! He's a potential witness to the search and might be able to shed some light on how it went down. Psssst! Don't say it too loudly, but could he have been the one to let the cops in?

Once again, this story was more about, "look what we did," rather than investigating and reporting news. Of course Channel 4 assisted the student, who apparently was not aware of his rights. They hooked him up with attorney Jesse Gonzalez, who, oddly enough, happens to advertise on their website. Is it just me, or is there something strange about that?

The alleged reporter on the story was Romeo Cantu.

It Takes a Village for Granted

2007-03-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Word has it that Hillary Clinton, Senator from the state with the weakest competition she could find, will be here in the Valley. Another modest affair at the Cantu residence in McAllen for only $500.00. Funny how the the price of the fundraiser is only an issue if it's a Republican fundraiser.

If she is coming, Hil' had better start working on her pandering South Texas accent. It'll be a lot harder than that ridiculous southern drawl she whipped out in Selma a couple of weeks ago.

Think about it. Where exactly in a conversation with a star struck Valley Hispanic does an orale, chale, or a simon ese go? Will she know the differences between chingon, chingadera, or the Anglicized chingow?

Maybe something short and sweet in Spanish will do the trick. Holuh meez uhmeeguhs, grassy-ass pore sewey ahyewdar...say...loh...? And with that, the local Dems will swoon and praise her for her understanding of our unique local culture. "It's almost as if she's one of us," they'll say as she boards her plane with her carpetbag full of Valley money to New Hampshire and Iowa where she needs it.

Just in case I haven't made things crystal clear, and in the interest of full disclosure, I don't like Hillary Clinton! She's a sour-pussed, power hungry, win at all costs, circus of smoke and mirrors, slick politician who is riding on the coat tails of her ex-president husband. She will not submit to hard questions and speaks to suit her purpose based on the audience she is in front of.

Anybody but Clinton 2008! (I'd even take eight more years of Billy if it meant she'd lose.)

News Happenings I

2007-03-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start occassional comments under the title News Happenings on this blog. Instead of screaming at my television, or crumpling my newspaper like an idiot, I'll post my observations of stupidity or incompetence in news reporting. With Channel 4 and 5 around, I'm sure this will be a regular feature.

My first rant. Channel 5 aired a story tonight at 10 about a child being hit by a car at 29th and Lark in McAllen. Was it an informative news piece meant to inform us of the who, what, when, where, why, and how? No, not really. It was a see-we-reported-it-first, victory dance.

You see, last week, 5 ran a story about how dangerous the intersection was, featuring all its dramatic favorites. The proximity to a school, parental outrage, and Big-Brother's slow response to the problem.

Where's the weenie in this follow-up story? What did the police say about the cause of the accident? Any charges filed or pending? What if the lady pushing the stroller was at fault? We can't ask that question because if she was at fault, well you get the picture. It goes against the "speeding cars are the problem" template from before.

But don't worry. The parents are still outraged, the school is still there, and the district has no comment, so stay tuned.

Alex Trevino was the reporter.

A Solemn Observation

2007-02-28T19:58:00.000-08:00

After all you've been through,it's come to this. You stood by him, arrest after arrest, and after all he put you and your child through. At some point you said enough was enough and unlike most abused women, you made it out, but now, for some reason you've been drawn back in.

You're situation is not unique. We've heard the same lame excuses before.

He abused me physically, but he never really hurt me. I probably deserved it anyway.

He abused me verbally, but he was just upset. I probably deserved it anyway.

He abused me emotionally, but he's just hot tempered. I probably deserved it anyway.

He cheated on me, but it was a one time thing. Oh, and never with a 15 year old. And yeah, I probably deserved it anyway.

He. . .but. . .I probably deserved it anyway.

. . .It's okay though, he always says he's sorry and he's a really good father.

What will you say if the DNA evidence says it was a 15 year old? What line of manipulative bull will he feed you to convince you otherwise? What excuse will you make for him then?

What will you tell your daughter in twenty years or so when she's in the same type of relationship and comes to you for help?

I wish you well young lady and remember that you are never alone. There's help out there for you if you want it, but you have to step up and go get it. For you or anyone else who needs it, there's a place that can help. They accept donations too!

Mujeres Unidas
420 N. 21st
McAllen, TX
630-4878

Acceptamos Publicity

2007-01-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

I saw a Pizza Patron outlet once up north a long time ago and as quickly as I said, "Huh?" I forgot it. I've never seen a commercial for them and just recently noticed that one is popping up in the shopping center anchored by the new Wal-Mart on McColl Road. But who needs commercials when you pull a stunt like this.

The powers that be at Pizza Patron need to pat themselves on the back, then reward the lower level VP who came up with the idea to accept Mexican Pesos at their restaurants. Brilliance on parade!

Since the move was announced, Pizza Patron has been the topic of conversation on talk shows, headlined on news websites, and featured in both local and national news broadcasts. Why? All because they announced that they will accept pesos for payment for goods and services. Sounds like an extra-large, deep dish, double every topping, publicity bonanza to me. Did I hear someone say, "extra anchovies?"

With Pizza Hut, Domino's, and also ran Papa John's beating the crap out of each other using multi-million dollar attack ad campaigns, Pizza Patron simply yanked the chain of the immigration debate pit bull and got its attention. It didn't cost them a centavo and it got their name out there, for better or worse. My dad, who knows a little something about advertising, said to me once, "Bad publicity is still publicity." I can't disagree with that.

Naturally, we've been subjected to knee-jerk reactions from the rabid Mexihaters. "This is 'Merica and they ain't got no bidness takin' that there dirty Mesican money!" Pizza Patron has actually recieved death threats for this. Are you kidding? Death threats? C'mon Grand Wizard, come up with something fresh, like oh, I don't know, say, buy pizza from somewhere else.

I've also heard the ridiculous retorts from the overly sensitive Hispanics trying to represent La Raza and counter those idiotic remarks with their own stupidity. "This is America and we're Mexicans and if we want to pay in pesos, that's our business!" Hey Juanillo, fifth generation U.S. citizen, you wouldn't take a peso if I gave it to you!

Having had their ethnic sensibilities offended by both Pizza Patron, each other, and now me, the two sides fail to see the point. This has nothing to do with, "reaching out to the Hispanic community," as a Pizza Patron spokesman put it. It has everything to do with the exposure.

I mean really, we're talking about pesos. You know, the highly devalued Mexican currency our grandfathers used carry around when it was still a stone's throw away from the green back. When was the last time you saw anyone trying to pay for anything on this side of the Rio Grande River with pesos? I know that everytime I'm cut off at a check out line at La Plaza Mall by a pushy Mexican national, I never see him pay with pesos. A glance into his Louis Vuitton wallet reveals a wad of dead U.S. presidents, Bana-something credit cards, and a national voter ID card(a novel concept), but nary a pobre peso.

How about Mexicans in Mexico? I frequent Nuevo Progreso once a month and have never seen a peso in a cash register over there. Give a vendor the choice between taking pesos or dollars and see what happens. He may not speak English, but laughing is laughing in any language. You don't hear them bitching about our money over there do you?

So, while Pizza Patron bathes in their fifteen minutes of fame, they'll need to keep a close eye on that exchange rate for the two customers who, most likely on a dare, pay for their pie with pesos. Meanwhile, the rest of us will get on to forgetting about them again until they announce that they've gone the way of Popeye's Chicken here in the Valley. Buena suerte, senores.

When it comes to currency and ethnicity, relax folks. It's not our business what the seller decides to take for payment as long as they take what we give. But remember, the almighty dollar speaks, no screams, in both English and Spanish and does not discriminate no matter what predjudice the buyers or sellers bring with it.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

2006-12-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'll soon miss the carnage that is Christmas shopping. For the better part of my adult existence, I've sworn to myself to start my gift shopping by late July or early August with the hope that I'd be done before Black Friday. Disappointed yet again.

As I just got home from La Plaza Hell, I realize that I'm done searching for that perfect gift. The war is over and I can now concentrate on the true meaning of the holiday. Friends and family.

I plan to call some people who I haven't spoken to in a while and wish them a Merry Christmas. I'll spend time with my family and let go all the stresses of the entire year that has passed me by. I'll be cheerful and gay(happy) and carry a smile on my face.

To everyone out there I wish you the best and for God's sake, have a Merry Christmas.

The Chuy Defense

2006-12-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

Once again, another yet to be named lawyer has fanagled his way out of an unlawful carrying of weapon charge using what I call the Chuy defense. Newschannel 5 reported that a lawyer was caught with a pistol that was discovered in his briefcase at the security check point at the Hidalgo County Courthouse. The lawyer was not arrested or charged only questioned. WOW! Where do I sign up for that treatment?

Precedent was set for the Chuy defense when, back in October 2005, it's name sake, His Holiness, Senator Juan "Chuy" Hinojosa ALLEGEDLY carried his gun into the McAllen airport. After telling the world it was an innocent mistake and that he forgot that he left the pistol in his briefcase, he walked off scott free after a being declared "not guilty" by a jury of one his peers, -lawyer- a municpal court judge -lawyer-, who refused to magistrate him for the charge.

When the McAllen Police dared to call bullshit on the judge's shenannigans, Supreme Chancellor Rene Guerra said he would not prosecute the case because there was no criminal intent or some other crap in broken English that I couldn't decipher, thereby creating the Chuy defense.

The Chuy defense is simple. All you have to do is meet a two prong test and presto-change-o, you're free to go my friend. First of all, you have to be a lawyer, or a law-maker-upper. In the case of Rene Guerra, it's the same thing. Being in that club has its priveleges including isulation from do as I say, not as I do misbehavior claims.

Second, you need only claim oops, and say that you forgot you had the weapon on you, near you, or in you. I guess as long as you don't saunter in the room like John Wayne twirling a Colt .45 on your right index finger you should be alright.

The mere fact that you met the criteria for test one means that you're telling the God's honest truth, despite the king-x fingers behind your back. Case closed, go on about your business.

The entire scheme of this defense screams double standard. They must really think we're so stupid, and they do, to believe that every citizen would be treated equally and given an opportunity to claim this defense. Really? Yeah really. They know that most of the cattle could care less about stuff like this. How do they know? They get re-elected again, and again, and again don't they?

Sadly I'm more than sure that in the future Johnny Welfare from Albores Courts will stroll into the courthouse for his child-support hearing accidentally packing heat. The difference is he'll definitely be sporting correctional institution blaze orange later that evening. Maybe if Johnny's lucky, he'll draw Chuy Hinojosa as his pro bono legal counsel.

The Downward Spiral

2006-12-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Everyone else has commented on the future former Hidalgo County District Clerk Omar Guerrero so I figured I'd take a whack at the pinata as well although I'll spare you the, "Where's Waldo?" references.
What's the deal? Could he have stepped in it any worse? ALLEGEDLY, Guerrero had a sexual relationship with a 15 year old girl which now clears up what IFA stands for; "I'll F%$@ Anyone." It's too bad that we as taxpayers have had to cut a check to this guy through the rest of his term.
The news media has a major hard on for this guy and why not. Look at all he's given them. It started with his appearance in the McAllen Municipal Court after his DWI/ marijuana possession arrest where, according to his attorney, he was suffering from the flu or the bubonic plague or [insert a lame, overpriced, bag of hot gas, defense attorney bullshit excuse here]. (Puff, puff, pass . . . yeah right, man). Rememeber the press conference in his office with his wife and child after that?
Then there was his attempt to have the media's camera's removed from J.P. Palacios' courtroom for another one of his ALLEGED transgressions. Nothing makes the media love you more than trying to hide from them or deny them information. The coverage of his impending arrest and court appearance should be no less entertaining.
To Omar, I really wish you the best. Realize that the ride is over and was so a long time ago. Take responsibility for your actions, get some help, and get your crap together. It won't be long before you and your circus are a long forgotten memory in county politics . . . well, maybe not.

Various Comments I

2006-10-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been absent for some time. The past three weeks at work have seen at minimum, ten hour work days, with nary a day off. I recharged my batteries at the Texas Renaissance Festival in Plantersville, Texas just outside of Houston. If you've never been, it's worth the time if you have a chance. Be sure to catch Christophe the Insulter. He is truly a sharp tongued, improvisational William Shakespeare. Watch the kiddies though, his material is PG-13 at the least.

I see there's a new player in the Edinburg blog world, Mr. Gus Garcia. Welcome Councilman. I think it's important for elected officials to be accessible to the ordinary guy. Mr. Garcia joins Representative Pena, and Councilman Espinoza in the local discourse. Although I don't limit my entries to Edinburg politics, I do follow it closely and find that the blog world, no matter which side the author supports, puts forth thoughts and comment worthy of note. At worst, some entries are humorous and absurd and should be seen to be just that........******* News?

One word of advice to Gus and anyone else who does it. Don't moderate the comments. It's a form of censorship and makes you look like you're afraid of someone or you have something to hide. Sure, the ignorant jerks are going to spam you and gripe using foul language and poor spelling and grammar, but one thing great about blogging is the free exchange of ideas.

Before I go I have to comment about one thing. I preface my remarks by saying that I am a law and order kind of guy. I pull for the good guys as long as the good guys are playing by the rules. I am also a believer in the idea that we are guaranteed certain civil liberties that protect us from the handfull of not-so-good guys who cross the line.

That being said, will someone please tell me what business the U.S. Border Patrol has taking pictures of vehicles that are driving southbound past the checkpoint? It seems to me to be Big Brother at work. B.P. will tell you that it's necessary to keep the country safe in these trying times, blah, blah, blah.

I first noticed the cameras over a year ago and since then I make it a point to pose for the camera as I go by. I'm not talking about shooting the finger or mooning the camera. That's too easy and I'm sure there's been a fair share of fifth graders who have gone that route. I prefer the more subtle cover my face with my hand technique or the super-exaggerated smiley face with a waving hand. I considered ducking down once to give it the headless horseman, driverless truck look, but my beautiful wife wouldn't play along. Something about maturity.

I've also considered the display of some sort of printed signage and have culled my possibilities down to, "I dropped 'em off at Denny's." "Canadians on board," and, "Lose weight now, ask me how." Next time I go through, I'll let you know which sign I used as soon as I make bail.

Brad Pitt-Still Single White Male

2006-09-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Hold on everyone! His Royal Highness, Brad Pitt has spoken. The everyday man says that he and Angelina Jolie won't get married until everyone in the country who wants to get married is able to do so. One would assume, which I hate doing, that he is talking about the gay marriage issue.

Hey Brad! Who cares? That's your business and those of us who live in reality don't need your guilt trip regarding the state of your marriage or the lack thereof. Personally, I could care less if two women or two men are able to marry. It doesn't affect my life in the least. However, there are people in the country that don't see it that way and I think that they just might be in the majority on this one. At least the courts have said so.

That being said, gay marriage, or the right of a man to wed his great uncle's pet turkey is off the books as of today. Not to worry though. You could use your superstar status to start a grass roots campaign of the National Enquirer, US Weekly, and People Magazine readership to change the laws of this nation so that you and your woman can make it official. But, if that fails, drop your passports at the door and feel free to move to another country where gay marriage is legal and voila, problem solved. It's a win-win situation. You guys get to get married without bearing the cross of a society's inequities and we in the States will no longer have to put up with your elitist crap.

Coyote Fever. 99.1 and Rising

2006-08-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

I hope someone out there will join me in congratulating the Coyotes on their advancement to the ULB, (or is it UBL?) championship series. I attended both home playoff games against Laredo and I must say that they were the most entertaining games I've seen this year. Maybe it's the fact that the Coyotes had to do or die that upped the drama. It could have been the come from behind 10th inning victory or the out hit-out score affair on Monday night. Or was it the beer?

I admit that I was a Roadrunner fan and that I was disappointed to see that organization dismantled. But, being a baseball fan, I gave the Coyotes a chance and up to this point, I am satisfied with the results. I've seen a lot of the old Roadrunner supporters out there, but it still seems a little strange rooting for them.

Edinburgundians are very loyal to their sports teams and are leery of the unknown or anything new. Can anyone remember how Edinburg North High School was treated in the early years? This was (is) Bobcat country and the birth of the Cougars fractured families and frazzled friendships.

Despite some of the snags, the 'Yote management got the hang of things. I got a kick out of watching the twenty three different incarnations of the "pop the water balloon with your head" thing. And how many Energy Team chicks did we go through this year? I recall seeing about fifteen of them at the start of the season. They actually looked, and danced, like dancers. By the time last night rolled around there were only four of them out there. No offense, but those girls looked more like they were the four lowest vote getters in the, "who's the ugliest concessionaire," contest.

I'll be pulling for the Coyotes this weekend and if there are any of you old Roadrunner diehards out there who might still be jaded, come check it out. It's baseball. It's fun. And it's here in Edinburg.

What the...?

2006-08-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

I know Edinburg is growing at a hypersonic speed, but this is ridiculous. Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

For those of you who do not recognize this marvel of suburban progress, this is the scene at the intersection of Freddy Gonzalez Drive and Mon Mack Road here in the three time All America City of Edinburg. I noticed this a couple of days ago and snapped a pic for all you non-believers.

How does such a thing happen?

I've thought about the rationale for this and whittled it down to an odd, yet heart felt, attempt to stop a drunk driver, because if you know one thing Edinburg has, and all of Hidalgo County for that matter, it's drunk drivers. Like those orange barrels are going to make a difference. Notice the flattened traffic cone...Please!

Residents in that area beware! Your A/C will be shutting down soon and the odds are it will be sometime after midnight on a weekend. And one more word of advice, don't advertise your garage sale or weight loss solution on the poll either. You wouldn't want to be a respondent in the sure to come lawsuit.

I'm sure that the persons responsible will get it moved soon. Hopefully before a school bus slams into it, but it's going to leave on hell of a pothole that will recur for decades to come.

World Cup Sucker

2006-07-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post this for some time, but I haven't been able to pull myself away from the beer booth at the Peyote games long enough, or sober enough, to do so. To all two of my fans, not including my Dad, I apologize.

Every four years there's an event so grand, so riveting, that people paint themselves different colors, call in sick at work, and glue themselves to the nearest television. No, I'm not talking about the U.S. Presidential elections, I'm talking soccer.

Soccer, or football as most of the rest of the world calls it, holds its tournament of champions every four years in grand Olympic fashion. As Americans, one would think that we could sink our teeth into something like this. It's more than just a game, it's us against them! A real patriotic endeavor. It's the red, white, and blue against the mauve, silver, and kelly green, of some impoverished nation the size of New Hampshire.

What does soccer need to garner the attention and affection of the American sports fan? I've thought about this over the years as I've tried to give this sport a chance. I watched the World Cup when the U.S. hosted it in 1996. I tried MLS, but the team mascot names were too offensive, and I've even seen some high school games. Hell, I used to play the game as kid in school, but I still can't get into it.

For me, scoring is way too low. When I turn on and see a game, oh, wait, sorry, match, being played and it's zero to zero with three minutes left in the game, I thank myself for not having wasted my time for what has been, up to that point, nothing more than a game of catch with your feet. There's got to be more goals and more shots on goal. There are some aspects to the game that could be tweaked to give the sport a real boost on this side of the planet.

First, let's put 10 more players on the field for each team. That would be a total of 42 players on the field for both teams at one time. And second, since it would be ridiculous for them to only have one ball to play with let's chuck a second ball in play for good measure. Imagine the chaos as one team assaulted the opposing teams goal with two balls at once. It would be a Civil War re-enactors dream.

If one of the opposing players accidenatlly kicks the ball into the goal he is defending, your team should get two points. It's the ultimate "salt in the wound" punishment for making that mistake. And hey, it beats the execution by your fellow countrymen that's waiting for you when you get home.

"Side bar, your honor!" Asylum in the United States should be offered to anyone who scores a goal accidentally for the other team. I mean the Hussein boys in Iraq are dead, but I'm more than sure there's a mullah somewhere who could find the passage in the Koran that says you should die for your slip of the foot. In the more moderate countries(read: Non-Islamic states), you might still have to contend with the, "you broke up Pantera, and thus ruined my life, so you must die," mentality, so it could be a life or death rule for some players.

Everyone must agree that the time on the clock is the time left in the game. Or at least that's how it works in the rest of the timed sports world. Though, it is kind of dramatic going through the extra, referee kept time at the end of the game, it seems so arbitrary and subject to tomfoolery. You could see a scenario where a referee who hails from Israel might fudge the time if he sees the Syrian squad moving up to possibly score and win against the Brits.

And where did that idea come from anyway? I thought about it and came to the conclusion that since most stadiums in the fourth world, where this sport is so popular ,have nothing more than a sun dial available to keep time. Although I'm not ready to get out to the Tashkent Municipal Sports Complex and Gallows to find out. Talk about cheap seats.

I must address the overtime/penalty shot thing. How ridiculous is this? You bust your ass for a little over 1/1oth of a day only to rely on some guy trying to kick a ball into a goal to win at the last second...oooooh, wait, that's American football too. Well, let's at least concede that when it comes to overtime, sudden death, no pun intended North Korean team, would probably be better.

Finally, I don't believe soccer has the subtle brutality we Americans are used to. Take the head butt heard round the world commited by the infamous French football hero, Zinedine "Zizou" Zidane. Fine, you lost your head and put one on that pretty boy Materazzi, good for you. You deal with the red card, the bad press, and the fact that up until that moment you were a mythical soccer god in the Land of Wine and Cheese who was finishing his career playing for his country in the title game of the World Cup. Cest la vie!

Now, and until the end of time, you will always be remembered as a spoiled goon who blew a gasket in the waning moments of the last match of his life. What you missed going through, and what really bothered me more than what you did was that none of the other Italian players came over and stomped your guts out. I sat, stunned that the first Italian teammate on the scene, didn't run to help his felled comrade, and didn't crack Zidane in the chops, no. He ran straight to the referee to whine. For a fleeting moment, I thought that maybe he was going to pull the old WWE style, "distract the ref," while the Italian team's enforcer gave Zidane the business, but I was disappointed.

This sports fan was dismayed to see that instead of seeing red blood poor from his justly tweaked nose, the only red Zidane saw was a little card waved in his face as he was dispatched to the showers. I've always been a believer in standing up for your teammates, especially when he's the victim of a cheap shot.

You still see cheap shot stuff in U.S. sport. But cheapshots and cheapshot artists are dealt with, "on the field." Look at hockey. Man, half of it is based on fighting and intimidation. Now, I'm not talking about two guys who look each other in the eye and mutally get it on. That's not cheap shotin', that's a fight. Both guys wanted it and both of them got it. Enforcing, or goonery, as it might be called, has it's place in sport. Right or wrong, it's the way of things and I believe, keeps the cheap shoters in check.

Remember me, four years from now when the next World Cup cranks up and FIFA hasn't implemented any of these changes. Think about how good it could have been. Instead we get to see the same old, 0 to 0 tie games, faking it when you get knocked over, hooligan riots, and Euro snobbery that this sport has given the world.

GO BANGLEDESH!

What a Cannon!

2006-07-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

I've been to quite a few Coyote games lately, and with the assistance of my good friend Budweiser, I have been sufficeintly entertained. Sure, it's not Major League stuff, but it's baseball nonetheless. I specifically wanted to comment on Coyote right fielder Eric Gonzalez. Great job, my friend! For those of you who weren't there last night, Eric made two, on target, rocket like throws, on back to back plays, to end an inning and keep the Broncos from scoring.
Staggered through some of the fundamental mistakes you see out there, it's worth the price of admission to see plays like that.
For the love of the game, Eric, you play, and we watch. Thank you, and keep up the good work.

...And Edinburg Goes All In with a Seven and a Two

2006-07-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

At first glance it seems that the first annual Texas Cook 'Em, High Steaks in Edinburg thing kicked names and took ass on Saturday. I went by, quietly made my way around the place and in true Powerslave fashion, took a mental inventory of things.

First off, to Councilman Espinoza and everyone else involved, I congratulate you on the success as you describe it. However, success should not be gauged merely by the number of competitors entered, but by the buzz created by the people who decided to drive out there for no other reason than to look around. The people who aren't related to any contestants, coordinators, or judges. Sure, a lot of cooks said they'd be back next year, but will the casual observer who stopped by this year come back next year? As I walked around out there, I felt that there were some things missing. Let's be honest, watching meat cook is about as entertaining as watching grass grow, even with several beers on board, so what is going to make someone like me come back next time?

What the Cook 'Em needs is a gimmick. A theme that will bring in more than the judges, volunteers, families of the cooks, and the hungry. Maybe it could be a year to year thing. You know, like a western/ranch theme...oh, wait, that was this year. Okay, fine! As much as it pains me to admit it, it's plain to see that the Hee Haw genre suits the Cook 'Em to a tee. It would be amusing though to see "High Steaks in Valhalla: The Perfect Viking Barbecue," and watch it degenerate into a full scale rape and pillage of Colonia Rodriguez across the way.

Entertainment of some sort is surely needed. I know the rain kept the musical acts off the stage. I was really looking forward to the Rat Pack Redux after the Elvis imposter. I don't know who else was scheduled to play, but it doesn't have to be Kenny Chesny to hold a crowd. Some good local talent will do just fine.

How about some games? And I don't mean carnival type stuff. Having already ceded that the country/western/cowboy yee'haw thing is probably going to be the dominating theme of an event like this, one game that I'm sure would be a hit would be horseshoes. A horseshoe tournament complete with age divisions, individuals, and two person teams. It'll give the spectators something else to do with their beer while their meat gets smoked.

After seeing the award listings, it appears they were strictly geared toward the quality of the food. Seeing as how only a few folks will get recognized for their tasty creations, I think it would behoove the planners of the Cook 'Em to consider some non-culinary awards for categories like, best barbecue pit, fanciest chef's outfit, best trailer, or themed cook site and crap like that. I'm sure that it'll be awarded to the guys who dressed up like cowboys and gave their site a real, old west feel, but I want to see diversity. Guys dressed up like Neanderthals cooking on an open fire with their bare hands, now that's originality!...oh damnit, the cowboy guys already have that cornered too. And now that I think about it, there's nothing like the circa 1896 hygiene of some of the cooks to really build my appetite. Where's Ryan Wolf and the Food 4 Thought crew when you need them? Hey guys, diesel fuel, although somewhat anti-bacterial, is probably not recommended for washing hands.

So Edinburg went all in with a seven and a two, and like a true gambler, Edinburg got lucky and flopped a couple of sevens insuring another run at the Cook 'Em for next year. I wish them the best of luck and I'll say now that if I'm in town, I'll sure mosey my way on down to the park to check it out. I'll be the one dressed up like the viking.

Renewed Faith in Humanity

2006-06-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

In most, if not all of my posts, I tend to rip on one thing or another, generally because of stupid human behavior. I witnessed something the other day that began with the aforementioned stupid human behavior, but turned into something that made me glad to be part of the village.

It was a hot Sunday afternoon in the clogged up Sam's Club paking lot in McAllen. Sorry, Gene, Edinburg no gotta Sam's. I had driven up to the front of the store hoping I'd find a space within a parsec of the door. Disappointed as usual, I was forced to wait in front of the store as some traffic had backed up. I saw that in the row to my left, a car was slowly backing out of one of the Wonka Golden Ticket spots in what my Dad lovingly refers to as the, "front row". A man in a pick up truck was patiently waiting to claim the space, turn signal and all. Funny thing was, all of us around him knew it and knew the space was his. I looked to my right and saw a Land Rover SUV passing the two cars behind the pick up. I figured the "person" driving was in a hurry and just wanted to get out of there. No harm in that, right? Boy was I wrong. This "person" decided that the newly vacated space was hers.

My beautiful wife and I sat and watched as things seemingly began to move in slow motion. The pick up was already moving to park in the spot when this "person" in the Land Rover tried to squeeze in and take the space. It did, but in the process, the Land Rover ripped the entire front bumper and brushguard off this Dodge pick up.

Flabbergasted, we sat there a second to see what was going to happen. I saw the driver of the Dodge pick up get out to check the front of his truck. He stood there shaking his head, arms akimbo. Suddenly, the driver of the SUV, a young, richer than you, girl and her even more rich than you mother got out with these, "how dare you!" looks on their faces . The mother, who was obviously the owner of the SUV, began to yell at the man as he stood by his truck. The man made some sort of reply, but was no where near as animated as the lady.

Seeing this man, who appeared to be of modest means, being berated by the woman. I decided to get out and give the man my name in case he needed a witness. By this time, a crowd was beginning to gather and that's when things got interesting. The occupants of the SUV were denying that the crash (this was no accident) was in any way their fault and an argument broke out between the parties, sans one, the driver of the pick up. He stayed by his truck looking nervous and confused.

I walked up to him and asked him if he was alright. He said he was okay. I gave him my business card and told him that I had seen everything. He glanced at me and with the look of desperation on his face, asked me what he should do. I told him to call the police and make a report.

Meanwhile, the security guard arrived and got on his cell phone. I could hear him on the phone obviously talking to a dispatcher at the police department. I figured that things were now going to calm down and that at least this man had me as a witness.

Little did I know that on the other side of the man's truck, other witnesses with torches and pitchforks had gathered and were having a polite discussion with the lady from the SUV who was still barking away in Spanish. A woman in the crowd on that side of the truck who had seen what had happened was rallying support from other witnesses, who, probably for the same reason we did, stayed around to help this poor man.

All of us who were witnessess wrote our names and phone numbers on a note pad someone had taken out. All of us were in support of this man. All of us wanted to see that the people in the SUV were put in their place. And all of us felt as though we had done the right thing. All of us, six or more perfect strangers banded together to help another perfect stranger for no other reason than to see that what is right is right.

The crowd disbanded and we all went about our business. I never got a call from a police officer, so I'll have faith that he was one of the smart ones and laid out the facts to the women in the SUV and the case will be closed.

And to those ladies, and I use that term loosely, in the Land Rover. I hope that your crass, greedy stunt was worth doing several thousand dollars damage to your own vehicle. Enjoy driving around knowing that the entire passenger side of your snobmobile now looks like Abe Vigoda's face. More than that though, I delight in knowing that you were wrong and that you were told you were wrong by the hoi polloi you thought we were. So go home to your friends and family and tell them your side of the story and we'll tell our friends and family the truth.

To the man in the truck, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with those people and remember, you're not alone. There's a list of names in your pocket of people who will be there if needed. Of course, I can only speak for myself.

Dead Days of Sports

2006-06-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks be to God, the NBA season just ended. I used to be a fan of pro hoops when I was young and impressionable, back in the good old days of Byrd and Magic, Olajuwon and Ewing, and of course, Michael Jordan. Now, I don't know. To me it's just a bunch of jive crap which brings me to the title of this post.

This time of year stinks for me as an average sports fan. Stanley Cup is over, football is a distant memory and, well, you know what I think of basketball.

But hey, Powerslave, what about baseball? What about baseball you say? Can you say 162 games? Where else can you lose half your games and still be considered a contender? I mean, besides the NBA. Baseball just isn't quite that exciting this time of year. Remember last June? The Astros were eating out of a dog bowl in the National League and they ended up making it to the World Series. Sure, I occassionaly enjoy watching a Yankees/RedSox game just to see who gets in a fight or seeing Albert Pujols hit another homer against the Astros. But call me in late August when things start getting interesting.

But Powerslave, there are so many other sports to choose from!

Really? Soccer? Don't get me started on soccer. I'm saving a major post on that sport for after the World Cup, so stay tuned.

Golf........right. Did you see Mickelson choke on Sunday?

Tennis. Yeah, I know, Wimbledon.

The WNBA! What's worse than the NBA? You guessed it, the WNBA. If I wanted to watch men play bad basketball, I'd go to the rec center and watch the under 6 foot men's league. At least they're better looking and I'd have about the same odds of getting a date with one them.

Hey Powerslave, I think we got you! What about Arena Football? How bad do you have to be to only have the skills to make an Arena football team? I've been to a few Dorados games and I just don't know what all the hullabaloo is about. Even the high schools play with eleven players. It's not real football, it's flag football with pads. And another thing, does everything that could possibly happen in a game have to be sponsored by something? How about a Vaseline Petroleum Jelly incomplete pass?

LaCrosse? To quote the great George Carlin, "LaCrosse isn't a sport, it's a faggot college activity," although apparently not at Duke University.

NASCAR/ Indy style racin'. Yeah that's right, I sed racin'! There aren't any black people in that sport and Danica Patrick wears a helmet so my interest in it is limited to highlights on Sportscenter. That's where you'll see all the wrecks, fires, and pit accidents, then watch the winner cross the finish line all in about 45 seconds. Now that's efficient. One new phenomenon among the NASCAR brethren is the bickering after a race when someone gets cut off or wrecked into. Nothing like a meth juiced redneck throwing his helmet at a car going by at 200 miles per hour.

Now to ESPN's cadre of crap. Ping pong, Texas Hold 'Em, rodeo, paint ball, fitness pageants, bass fishin', beach volleyball, world's strongest idiot, badminton, cricket, hotdog eating, croquet, lumberjacking, Scrabble, darts, pool, skeet shooting, dominoes, spelling bee, bowling, cheerleading, more Texas Hold 'Em, and yes, even rock-paper-scissors. Might as well develop the World Coin Flip Championships for Christ's sake!

All of this makes me beg for the start of football season. High school, college, and the NFL(screw Canada, what's up with the 5 acre end zones eh?). It's all good. I'll get by knowing that the first pre-season game is a little more than a month away.
I get to enjoy hearing Cowboy fans talk about how they're going all the way this year. I get to watch Longhorn fans painfully realize that any hopes of another national championship packed up his jock and moved to Nashville. I'll enjoy the sports shows on radio and t.v. and pray that it lasts forever. I like dreamin'....

Channel 12 and the Edinburg City Council

2006-06-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

The City of Edinburg's ECN channel 12. Aside from having to endure the occasional two and a half hour folkloric dance recitals or Blandina Cardenas' rhythmic, monotone delivery at those never ending alumi functions, it's not too bad as bad t.v. goes.
My main programming interest has got to be, without a doubt, the City Council meetings, especially since the May elections.
Wasn't that first meeting a treat? You could cut the tension with a chain saw. I sat there with my beautiful wife and my step-son and watched in amazement as the new kid on the block, Mr. Gus Garcia, made his presence known. As he tried to table everything on the agenda, I took sheer delight in watching Gene Espinoza's body language. He reminded me of Al Gore in his debates with Bush back in 2000, squirming around and making noise, only Gene's a lot smarter. I would love to have heard what he was saying to Wendy Sturgis. It must have been a hoot, because every time he leaned over, she smiled, then nervously swigged water from the Dasani bottle.
For sheer comedy though, I would have to go with attempt by either Noe Garza or Gene Espinoza's (bad audio) attempt to move to approve one of the items before Ochoa was done reading it. Great move guys! Too bad you got spanked by the Mayor.
In the end, Garza, Espinoza, and Garza figured out that all they had to do was vote down the table motion then move to approve. In the true spirit of sportsmanship they eventually allowed most of the stuff to be tabled.
Fast forward to the next meeting. The "we're all going to get along" banter from the weeks after the last meeting waltzed out the door right after the prayer. Gus Garcia led the Pledge of Allegiance and never stopped talking. In one of the re-zoning requests, he read aloud some quote from a guy whose name sounded like one of the male members of ABBA, about the dangers of polluting the community with commercially zoned areas. I don't take issue with his position, I just wish he would have paraphrased it in his own words. Reading it made him sound like a fourth grader reading from the bible in church.
It's good that Gus hounds like he does, but dude, please, try to keep it brief. I don't need to hear you self depricate every time you debate an issue with the others. Just say your peace and move on. Face it, your out voted anyway. Oh yeah, don't rip on people you don't know anything about (Ornelas), that looked bad.
Now I haven't said much about Ms. Garza, so here it goes. Girl, please don't apologize for disagreeing with anyone. It's not personal, it's business. Besides, you're the best looking one up there and I don't want you to look weak. Give 'em Hell, Alma! Put on your game face and pretend that they're one of those turds you loathe in the juvi court.
As for mayor Ochoa, what's with the pissed off look all the time? You won the election. Smile man. In your first run in the chair you seemed so much more at ease. I know you don't have the rubber stamp thing going, but give us a break. Things will come around.
Before I go, I have one more bit of constructive criticism for Channel 12. Enough with the in-depth interview. Twenty minutes is about 17 minutes more than is needed to inform the public about the particulars of the last annual Texas Cook 'Em thing. (Trust me, I'll bitch about that when it's over.) The odd silence from the generally unwilling and unprepared guests makes my finger shake to the channel up selector on my remote so I can see what's on HBO.

Expressway Etiquette

2006-05-31T01:19:00.000-07:00

When I started this Blog, I had this in mind as one of my first things to gripe about, but I got busy with other stuff.
Now that the first phase of the US 281 expansion is complete, I thought I'd be happier with the results. Alas, but no! The state was kind enought to widen our thoroughfare to the point you could land a B-52 on it, yet traffic still snarls along like an earthworm on SOMA.
Why? Based on my observations of the unique behavior of the Valley Driver, or VD as I like to call 'em, there are a few sticking points that eat at me every time I see it happen.
First of all, let's at least try to drive the speed limit. It's an expressway! If you don't want to drive that fast, fine, use the frontage road. If your 1987 Grand Marquis P.O.S. can't go the speed limit, you should likewise stick to the surface streets. But, if you must drive slowly on the highway, please for the love of all that is holy, STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE.
Next. The interchange at U.S. 83 in Pharr and the new overpass to Business 281 in Edinburg. Those bridges were engineered for us to travel at a very reasonable speed to keep the flow moving. Some VD have trouble understanding this concept. Trust me when I say that you aren't going to fall off. The vibration caused by your rusted muffler dragging on the pavement is not going to collapse the bridge. Get on. Get moving. And get over it. . .again at or near the speed limit.
And now to the behavior that peeves me to no end. VD has a facination with lollygagging up the entrance ramps to the expressway. The ramps were designed, ingeniously enough, to enable a driver to enter the highway at a speed that is comparable to the traffic already on the freeway, thus making the merge process as painless as possible. What a novel concept! VD however sees it as a way to create as much havoc as possible. VD goes 30 miles per hour up the ramp, then, for whatever reason STOPS! Meanwhile, we sensible operators are forced to take evasive action making the ramp look like that scene in the Return of the Jedi when the rebel ships arrive upon the still shielded Death Star. Fortunately for the rebels though, they could at least go up or down.
What do we do about VD? Sadly, there is no cure for VD. My suggestion is that we hold on to our butts, use the horn efficiently, and left lane it out of there at warp speed.

The Edinburg Canis latrans

2006-05-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

Enough with the hypersensitivity to the name of the new Edinburg baseball team. When I hear the word coyote I think of exactly that, the miniature wolf that roams the plain. Couple that with the graphic of a howling coyote silhouetted in a baseball moon and I'm pretty sure they're talking about a cute wild doggie.
How can anyone with an ounce of sense think that an organization would actually name a sports team after an immigrant smuggler, intentionally or otherwise? Should we dare speculate what that logo would look like? How about an actual moon with the silhouette of a guy running over a cactus covered hill. No, wait. even better. A cartoon style graphic of a crappy, burnt orange 1970's GMC pick-up with a big black EDINBURG painted on the door. 49 people crammed into the camper-topped bed, with arms, legs, and heads protruding out the windows. The "coyote" driver could be leaning out the window, grinning with a baseball in his hand.
And since when is the word coyote a derogatory term that is "racially charged," as some clown put it in a letter to the editor in The Monitor? It's not the Frito Bandito for Pete's sake, it's a dog. Seems to me that the only folks who could be offended by the use of coyote would be the smugglers themselves, but how organized could they be?
I would figure that the National Association for the Adavancement of Immigrant Smugglers might stage a boycott of the baseball games and call for an end to the terrible mischaracterization of their trade. If that fails, I'm sure their lawyers would file a temporary restrining order against the team taking the field with that name.
So before the issue comes to a head and takes up more valuable docket space needed for our booming lawsuit industry, the team should get really specific about their name. The solution? Canis latrans. The scientific name for the coyote. That way we'll all know what the team name means.
I can just hear poor Forina up there as he screams, "Ladies and gentlemen lets hear it for your Edinburg Canis latrans!" Ponder the possibilities in the naming contest for the on-field mascot. Somehow Corky the Canis latrans doesn't have the same ring as Corky the Coyote. By the way, Coyote organization, feel free to use the name Corky if you desire. I don't mind.
As summer approaches I wish that the nine of you who are offended by the name would please chill out and get p.o.'d about something important. It's just baseball. No matter if it's the Coyotes or Roadrunners (highly insensitive to the 10K'ers I might add) this May, it's a place where we can take our friends and families to escape the daily barrage of life's b.s. Enjoy yourself out there and watch out for those foul balls.

Rules for a Vegas Vacation

2006-05-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

If you've never been to Las Vegas you may not fully understand what I'm talking about. Should you ever have the opportunity and the means, Las Vegas is the place to spend some of your vacation time, at least once in your life.
This was my second trip to Sin City and it was my wife's first foray into the oasis in the desert. To say we had a good time would be an understatement, but we came home saying that we needed four more days and about five thousand extra dollars. There is so much to do, day or night, that you can't seem to figure out what to do next. The Strip, Freemont St., eating, the shows, food, sightseeing, the buffets, gambling, and oh, did I mention eating?
Having been there twice I feel as though I've figured some things out about vacationing there. There are some general rules that should be followed by everyone for everyone elses benefit.

1. Leave your kids at home. Contrary to popular belief, Vegas is not family friendly. Children get in the way and can really hamper your good time, and the good time of those around you. Face it, minors under 21 are not allowed in the casinos. Case closed.

2. If you choose to walk in Las Vegas, then do so. Keep it moving please and don't doddle. We all have somewhere to go, but if you feel the need to stop and look at something or figure out what planet you are on, move to the side. Otherwise, be prepared to be mounted from behind by perfect strangers.

3. Just because you can smoke doesn't mean you should. Nothing is more nauseating than the smell of cigarette smoke except the smell of a thosand cigarettes puffed in unison on the casino floor. Smoking's allowed, so I guess I'll have to eat that rule.

4. Just because you can drink all you want for "free" doesn't mean you should. How do you get the smell of a thousand cigarettes out of the carpet by the pai-gow poker table? Juice up a lightweight until he pukes his pale ale. Those drinks you get aren't really free since they are subsidized by your drunken decision to hit on 20.

5. Don't be mean to the dealers. The dealers are there to facilitate the loss of your money with style, dignity, and grace. They're not the ones making the stupid bets, so point the finger of blame for losing your kids' college fund exactly where it should go. Besides we all know who runs those places. You wouldn't want to be dragged to some back room by Vito and Paulie to have your knees broken would you?

6. Don't accept anything from people on the street. It's either a pornographic solicitation for hot escorts or time share condo crap. Funny how those two go together. Don't think you can get away with speaking Spanish either. They've figured that one out.

7. Take it easy with the A/V equipment. You're on vacation, not on assignment for NewsChannel5. Let's keep it under 5 pounds.

8. See the water show at the Bellagio. It is truly amazing. Be sure and catch the last show at midnight. It's the Whitney Houston version of the Star Spangled Banner that she did at the Super Bowl during the Gulf War. Very moving! I think it's Steve Wynn's way of reminding all of the foreign visitors that this is the greatest nation on earth. . . and we know it.

9. See rule # 1.

It's hard to imagine that anyone would follow these rules, but those of you who have been there and experienced first hand the carnage that is hoofing the Strip, I'm sure you can appreciate my point of view. Viva Las Vegas!

General Gripes-Alma Garza

2006-04-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that election is over. Although I supported Alma Garza in her bid to unseat Darth Guerra as the Hidalgo County District Attorney, I was sad to see that she had to make some negative comments on the news. Now, they weren't terrible, but they were not very sportsman like. Face it Alma, you got whacked by some 2,000 votes. I'd love to see you give him hell, but there are times when you should be the bigger person. I'm sure that when you have a chance to look at the big picture, you'll concede the election with dignity and grace. But please, save the venom. . .you might need it for your next run.