World Cup Sucker

I've been meaning to post this for some time, but I haven't been able to pull myself away from the beer booth at the Peyote games long enough, or sober enough, to do so. To all two of my fans, not including my Dad, I apologize.

Every four years there's an event so grand, so riveting, that people paint themselves different colors, call in sick at work, and glue themselves to the nearest television. No, I'm not talking about the U.S. Presidential elections, I'm talking soccer.

Soccer, or football as most of the rest of the world calls it, holds its tournament of champions every four years in grand Olympic fashion. As Americans, one would think that we could sink our teeth into something like this. It's more than just a game, it's us against them! A real patriotic endeavor. It's the red, white, and blue against the mauve, silver, and kelly green, of some impoverished nation the size of New Hampshire.

What does soccer need to garner the attention and affection of the American sports fan? I've thought about this over the years as I've tried to give this sport a chance. I watched the World Cup when the U.S. hosted it in 1996. I tried MLS, but the team mascot names were too offensive, and I've even seen some high school games. Hell, I used to play the game as kid in school, but I still can't get into it.

For me, scoring is way too low. When I turn on and see a game, oh, wait, sorry, match, being played and it's zero to zero with three minutes left in the game, I thank myself for not having wasted my time for what has been, up to that point, nothing more than a game of catch with your feet. There's got to be more goals and more shots on goal. There are some aspects to the game that could be tweaked to give the sport a real boost on this side of the planet.

First, let's put 10 more players on the field for each team. That would be a total of 42 players on the field for both teams at one time. And second, since it would be ridiculous for them to only have one ball to play with let's chuck a second ball in play for good measure. Imagine the chaos as one team assaulted the opposing teams goal with two balls at once. It would be a Civil War re-enactors dream.

If one of the opposing players accidenatlly kicks the ball into the goal he is defending, your team should get two points. It's the ultimate "salt in the wound" punishment for making that mistake. And hey, it beats the execution by your fellow countrymen that's waiting for you when you get home.

"Side bar, your honor!" Asylum in the United States should be offered to anyone who scores a goal accidentally for the other team. I mean the Hussein boys in Iraq are dead, but I'm more than sure there's a mullah somewhere who could find the passage in the Koran that says you should die for your slip of the foot. In the more moderate countries(read: Non-Islamic states), you might still have to contend with the, "you broke up Pantera, and thus ruined my life, so you must die," mentality, so it could be a life or death rule for some players.

Everyone must agree that the time on the clock is the time left in the game. Or at least that's how it works in the rest of the timed sports world. Though, it is kind of dramatic going through the extra, referee kept time at the end of the game, it seems so arbitrary and subject to tomfoolery. You could see a scenario where a referee who hails from Israel might fudge the time if he sees the Syrian squad moving up to possibly score and win against the Brits.

And where did that idea come from anyway? I thought about it and came to the conclusion that since most stadiums in the fourth world, where this sport is so popular ,have nothing more than a sun dial available to keep time. Although I'm not ready to get out to the Tashkent Municipal Sports Complex and Gallows to find out. Talk about cheap seats.

I must address the overtime/penalty shot thing. How ridiculous is this? You bust your ass for a little over 1/1oth of a day only to rely on some guy trying to kick a ball into a goal to win at the last second...oooooh, wait, that's American football too. Well, let's at least concede that when it comes to overtime, sudden death, no pun intended North Korean team, would probably be better.

Finally, I don't believe soccer has the subtle brutality we Americans are used to. Take the head butt heard round the world commited by the infamous French football hero, Zinedine "Zizou" Zidane. Fine, you lost your head and put one on that pretty boy Materazzi, good for you. You deal with the red card, the bad press, and the fact that up until that moment you were a mythical soccer god in the Land of Wine and Cheese who was finishing his career playing for his country in the title game of the World Cup. Cest la vie!

Now, and until the end of time, you will always be remembered as a spoiled goon who blew a gasket in the waning moments of the last match of his life. What you missed going through, and what really bothered me more than what you did was that none of the other Italian players came over and stomped your guts out. I sat, stunned that the first Italian teammate on the scene, didn't run to help his felled comrade, and didn't crack Zidane in the chops, no. He ran straight to the referee to whine. For a fleeting moment, I thought that maybe he was going to pull the old WWE style, "distract the ref," while the Italian team's enforcer gave Zidane the business, but I was disappointed.

This sports fan was dismayed to see that instead of seeing red blood poor from his justly tweaked nose, the only red Zidane saw was a little card waved in his face as he was dispatched to the showers. I've always been a believer in standing up for your teammates, especially when he's the victim of a cheap shot.

You still see cheap shot stuff in U.S. sport. But cheapshots and cheapshot artists are dealt with, "on the field." Look at hockey. Man, half of it is based on fighting and intimidation. Now, I'm not talking about two guys who look each other in the eye and mutally get it on. That's not cheap shotin', that's a fight. Both guys wanted it and both of them got it. Enforcing, or goonery, as it might be called, has it's place in sport. Right or wrong, it's the way of things and I believe, keeps the cheap shoters in check.

Remember me, four years from now when the next World Cup cranks up and FIFA hasn't implemented any of these changes. Think about how good it could have been. Instead we get to see the same old, 0 to 0 tie games, faking it when you get knocked over, hooligan riots, and Euro snobbery that this sport has given the world.

GO BANGLEDESH!

What a Cannon!

I've been to quite a few Coyote games lately, and with the assistance of my good friend Budweiser, I have been sufficeintly entertained. Sure, it's not Major League stuff, but it's baseball nonetheless. I specifically wanted to comment on Coyote right fielder Eric Gonzalez. Great job, my friend! For those of you who weren't there last night, Eric made two, on target, rocket like throws, on back to back plays, to end an inning and keep the Broncos from scoring.
Staggered through some of the fundamental mistakes you see out there, it's worth the price of admission to see plays like that.
For the love of the game, Eric, you play, and we watch. Thank you, and keep up the good work.

...And Edinburg Goes All In with a Seven and a Two

At first glance it seems that the first annual Texas Cook 'Em, High Steaks in Edinburg thing kicked names and took ass on Saturday. I went by, quietly made my way around the place and in true Powerslave fashion, took a mental inventory of things.

First off, to Councilman Espinoza and everyone else involved, I congratulate you on the success as you describe it. However, success should not be gauged merely by the number of competitors entered, but by the buzz created by the people who decided to drive out there for no other reason than to look around. The people who aren't related to any contestants, coordinators, or judges. Sure, a lot of cooks said they'd be back next year, but will the casual observer who stopped by this year come back next year? As I walked around out there, I felt that there were some things missing. Let's be honest, watching meat cook is about as entertaining as watching grass grow, even with several beers on board, so what is going to make someone like me come back next time?

What the Cook 'Em needs is a gimmick. A theme that will bring in more than the judges, volunteers, families of the cooks, and the hungry. Maybe it could be a year to year thing. You know, like a western/ranch theme...oh, wait, that was this year. Okay, fine! As much as it pains me to admit it, it's plain to see that the Hee Haw genre suits the Cook 'Em to a tee. It would be amusing though to see "High Steaks in Valhalla: The Perfect Viking Barbecue," and watch it degenerate into a full scale rape and pillage of Colonia Rodriguez across the way.

Entertainment of some sort is surely needed. I know the rain kept the musical acts off the stage. I was really looking forward to the Rat Pack Redux after the Elvis imposter. I don't know who else was scheduled to play, but it doesn't have to be Kenny Chesny to hold a crowd. Some good local talent will do just fine.

How about some games? And I don't mean carnival type stuff. Having already ceded that the country/western/cowboy yee'haw thing is probably going to be the dominating theme of an event like this, one game that I'm sure would be a hit would be horseshoes. A horseshoe tournament complete with age divisions, individuals, and two person teams. It'll give the spectators something else to do with their beer while their meat gets smoked.

After seeing the award listings, it appears they were strictly geared toward the quality of the food. Seeing as how only a few folks will get recognized for their tasty creations, I think it would behoove the planners of the Cook 'Em to consider some non-culinary awards for categories like, best barbecue pit, fanciest chef's outfit, best trailer, or themed cook site and crap like that. I'm sure that it'll be awarded to the guys who dressed up like cowboys and gave their site a real, old west feel, but I want to see diversity. Guys dressed up like Neanderthals cooking on an open fire with their bare hands, now that's originality!...oh damnit, the cowboy guys already have that cornered too. And now that I think about it, there's nothing like the circa 1896 hygiene of some of the cooks to really build my appetite. Where's Ryan Wolf and the Food 4 Thought crew when you need them? Hey guys, diesel fuel, although somewhat anti-bacterial, is probably not recommended for washing hands.

So Edinburg went all in with a seven and a two, and like a true gambler, Edinburg got lucky and flopped a couple of sevens insuring another run at the Cook 'Em for next year. I wish them the best of luck and I'll say now that if I'm in town, I'll sure mosey my way on down to the park to check it out. I'll be the one dressed up like the viking.